A recovering addict has only one thing to be focused on and that’s their sobriety. And although a little healthy narcissism is a good thing, they need to learn to think of those around them as well. Many of us who have loved ones in recovery must also realize our role, not only in the recovery process, but the role we have played in the life of those who grapple with addiction.

You may not have even realized it but at some point you may have unwittingly become an enabler, a co-dependent. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship; including family, work, friendship, and even romantic, but perhaps nowhere else does it have such a deleterious effects as with those afflicted by addictions. This is where seeking professional council and a support community is imperative, as indentifying and correcting co-dependent behavior can go along way to aiding and maintaining continued health and well being for all concerned.

Those in the early stages of recovery often forget the feelings of those closest to them. Being so focused on remaining sober sometimes their emotions get the better of them. They often feel physically unsettled, and emotionally conflicted and as such are apt to have a short fuse. When problems arise you, as always, rush to make it all right and easily fall back into your role as the co-dependent. As member of their recovery community you need to take a step back and remind them now is a good time to reflect on their previous behavior and react responsibly. Many will be resistant to this idea, remind them instead of carrying a chip on their shoulder they would do well to remember the one (sobriety chip) in their pocket. Surely many sorted things have past between you and loved ones due to addictions, now is the time to work hard to earn back each others trust.

Enabling by yourself or others can have a disastrous effect on those in recovery. By offering sympathy and indulging those mired in self-pity, you are only setting them up to fail. Self-pity in recovery is natural, but when over indulged it becomes destructive and serves only to undermine the recovery process. It only fuels the notion that those in recovery are somehow victims of their circumstances and they are somehow justified in feeling sorry for themselves and deserving of sympathy from others.

You, as the co-dependent, need to accept responsibility for your part in the recovery process and learn to behave differently and work hard to develop a new frame for your relationship with those
in recovery.

This bumper sticker flashed before my eyes as a car whizzed through the stop sign and nearly hit me. After we exchanged some choice words and multiple hand gestures, I was back on my way no worse for wear. A rather insightful choice for a bumper sticker for someone who obviously can’t read let alone drive, by I digress…

In an interesting parallel, I was replaying a confrontation I had with a friend in my mind. According to her I supposedly offended her when I called her recent actions into question at a mutual friends dinner party. She said I was over reacting and trying to make her feel guilty for enjoying herself. I replayed our conversation a dozen times in my mind. No! She was acting out in a way that was inappropriate and jeopardizing her sobriety not to mention our friendship of 15+ years and that was all there was to it!

In volatile situations most people immediately react with anger of their own and / or move quickly to defend themselves and their actions. Both reactions are inappropriate. It is true that the angry person is afraid of something, as anger is more often than not simply a mask for fear or insecurity, but that is their lesson and not yours. Your lesson is to work out why you are having the feelings that you are having. You are reacting because of those feelings and not because of the other person's antagonism. For someone on the road to recovery these situations can be hard to handle and may lead to poor choices and negative consequences.

This person has been brought into your life to teach you something and your part in the drama is to work out what you have to learn from it, take ownership of it and move ahead the best you can one step at a time. You see nothing is worth jeopardizing your hard earned sobriety. The truth is that people who have lived with addictions of any kind in their lives are hurt and may not have worked out how to heal that hurt (particularly co-dependents such as myself). When you realize that, you may find that your own feelings will change very naturally into compassion, as was the case for me.

Several days later I met with my friend and told her how much I loved and cared about her but when she was engaging in those behaviors I was worried she was undermining all she had worked for and that was upsetting. She hugged me and said you know my recovery is for me to work out not you. I agreed and realized I had been projecting my own fears and experiences of my childhood spent dealing with an alcoholic parent onto her. As we hugged, she reached into her bag and handed me a magnet that read - you guessed it -“Life Is A Journey Not A Guilt Trip”. For some reason I thought of you when I saw this she said with a smile.

The Heart Of The Matter by Kirk Widra M.Ed

As children of alcoholic parents many of us tend to spend a disproportionate amount of time dwelling on our shortcomings and blaming our parent’s or others for our difficulties in life. We spend so much time either trying to be good little soldiers, or (worse yet) we take up a life of dangerous excesses in a desperate cry for help.


While working on this article, I had been experiencing a bit of writer’s block. I spent several days berating myself as my deadline loomed. I started blaming my parents for not instilling me with confidence, for my lack of progress and my inability to get my work done. Languishing in the face of my imminent defeat, I sat back and began to conjure up all the possible consequences of my failure. The feelings then turned to anger and resentment as the blank stare of the screen and the blinking cursor were seemingly mocking me…it was then I heard these words coming out of my i-pod…

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby

Forgiveness is something we often think of in terms of others, but have you forgiven yourself? Have you been able to let go of the things you have done, or said, or that hold you back from living the life you deserve? People often spend so much time finding other people to blame, finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.

On many levels, despite being the dutiful little soldier, I am often left with the feeling that I don’t measure up even despite the fact by all practical definitions I have enjoyed more than my fair share of success in this life. This feeling is common among the children of alcoholics I am told. I know of course intellectually I am not my parents but I still get bogged down with negative thoughts and the echoes of unresolved feelings left over from childhood.

When you get down to “the heart of the matter”, you begin to see that by holding onto your anger and blaming others you are not only demeaning yourself and your abilities you are avoiding taking responsibility for your actions and your life. I have discovered this is the real reason I don’t feel a deeper sense of accomplishment and fulfillment in life. The trick is to build on your experiences, both positive and negative, to develop your own inner clam and strength.

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness

*(Lyrics from The Heart Of The Matter Songwriters: Henley, Don / Campbell, Michael W. / Souther, John David)

About the author: Kirk Widra M.Ed is an educator, lecturer, and author on topics of branding, social media, marketing, education and self-empowerment. For more check out kirkwidra.com.

_ Having only taken those few precious steps past the gate of the New Year, armed with resolutions and promise, now is a good time to review where you are at and where you want to go. If you are new to recovery you are focused on the process of living a new life free of dependency. If you are a bit further along in the recovery process you are most likely settled into a solid routine. However just because you are settled into a routine doesn’t mean you are free of dependency, the price of sobriety is eternal vigilance.

Complacency can lead to bad decisions and possible relapse. Whether your reading this as someone in recovery or as a loved one of someone in recovery the following list can be an important resource  / checklist of relapse symptoms. Though it is not intended to supplant or replace the opinions of a qualified recovery management professional it can offer you things to watch out for that can trigger a possible relapse.

*The following list was taken from Akron Intergroup News, December 1998

1.     Continued Exhaustion - Allowing oneself to become overly tired; usually associated with work addiction as an excuse for not facing personal frustrations.

2.     Dishonesty - Begins with pattern of little lies; escalated to self-delusion and making excuses for not doing what's called for or needed.

3.     Impatience - I want what I want NOW. Others aren't doing what I think they should.

4.     Argumentative - No point is too small or insignificant not to be debated to the point of disproportionate anger.

5.     Depression – All unreasonable, unaccountable despair should be exposed and discussed, not repressed: what is the exact nature of these feelings?

6.     Frustration - Controlled anger/resentment when things don't go according to our plans. Lack of acceptance. 

7.     Self-pity - Feeling victimized, put-upon, used, unappreciated: convinced we are being singled out for bad luck; feels cutoff from opposite sex (everyone has a girlfriend/boyfriend except me)

8.     Cockiness - Got it made. Knows everything. Can go anywhere, including frequent visits just to hangout at bars, carry out's, boozy parties, romancing the drink

9.     Complacency - Like #8, no longer sees value of daily program, meetings, contact with other alcoholics, (especially sponsor!), feels healthy, on top of the world, things are going well. Heck may even be cured!

10.  Expecting too much of others - Why can't they read my mind? I've changed, what's holding them up? If they just do what I know is best for them? Leads to feeling misunderstood, unappreciated. See #6.

11.  Letting up on disciplines - Allowing established habits of recovery - meditation, prayer, spiritual reading, AA contact, daily inventory, meetings - to slip out of our routines; allowing recovery to get boring and no longer stimulating for growth. Why bother?!

12.  Using mood-altering chemicals - May have a valid medical reason, but misused to help avoid the real problems of impending alcoholic relapse.

13.  Wanting too much - Setting unrealistic goals: not providing for short-term successes; placing too much value on material success, not enough on value of spiritual growth.

14.  Forgetting gratitude - Because of several listed above, may lose sight of the abundant blessings in our everyday lives: too focused on # 13.

15.  "It can't happen to me." - Feeling immune; forgetting what we know about the disease of alcoholism and its progressive nature.

Should any of these signs present themselves either in isolation or in combination don’t hesitate to consult your Continuum recovery manager as soon as possible to discuss what actions should be taken to safe guard against relapse.

_For many of us the holiday season - which typically means Christmas - is a special time of joy and celebration. We have a chance to spend time with friends and family, eat good food and reconnect with what is important. It is also a time to greet the New Year filled with hope and promise. Well that is the ideal anyway…

The reality is that the holiday season for many of us brings up unresolved feelings of fear and anger as we are confronted by our family issues, both real and imagined, as they play out against the backdrop of the holidays. Surrounded by those with good intentions and conspirators alike it is hard not to get swept away in the yuletide. It is particularly difficult time for those in recovery during the holidays and perhaps doubly so for those in early recovery.

For newly recovering addicts the holidays serve as a painful reminder of the past, fractured relationships, and missed opportunities. Too many people in recovery spend the holidays plagued by memories of loved ones and friends they have hurt with their destructive and manipulative behaviors. Left unaided many simply isolate and suffer devastating set backs and relapses.

So, what to do? This is the time reach out to others in your recovery community. Reaching out to those around
you offers you a sense of connection and is the best antidote for the acute sense of loneliness that comes with the holidays. Share your story with others in recovery, read of their trials and tribulations on this blog, attend
meetings etc.

It is important to remind those in recovery that the holidays themselves offer a unique gift. They offer you an opportunity to make amends. Instead of dwelling on failed relationships, and past behaviors the holidays can actually provide a special opportunity to mend broken relationships. This is the time to make a list of those people in your life you have hurt and consider ways to reconnect with them. While it is not always possible to make amends with everyone that might come to mind, there will always be a few of them, especially family members, you can reach out to in the true spirit of giving.

This is another reason why being a part of a recovery community is so important. You have a chance to share your story, talk to counselors, sponsors and those in similar circumstances about this and get some input before embarking on this important step in your recovery process. They can also help you to have realistic expectations. You may find this holiday season is not the exciting and joyous experience others seem to make it out to be. Maybe no one seemed to have reached out to you in any special way. Maybe you did not handle all the stress of the holidays, as you would have liked to. So what? Making it through the holidays without using drugs or alcohol could actually be the most significant thing you managed to do this holiday season. This, in of itself, is a major accomplishment and the greatest gift of all.

_ Maintaining a recovery community is an integral part of staying healthy and sober. You’ll need supportive people around you when you go through the rough times, and like everyone, you surely will. You can’t do it alone, and you don’t have to. Recovery is a not a solitary journey, you are part of a larger community of individuals moving toward a common goal one step at a time. Connecting to your recovery community is not only a way to ensure long-term success it also gives you the chance to give back and help someone else like you continue the cycle of healing. For most addicts and alcoholics, maintaining a recovery community can be as simple as regularly participating in an AA, NA, or other recovery program. In these groups maintaining sobriety is the goal of everyone involved. You’ll find an extensive network of support from people just like
you and by sharing your story you can become stronger and learn that you are not alone when facing life’s many trials and tribulations.

Another important function of your recovery community is that it can help educate your friends and family about addiction, recovery and sobriety. If the people closest to you don’t have personal experience with addiction, they may not understand what you’re going through or how they can best help you. The more you discuss with them, the better equipped they’ll be to support you, not enable you.

That is what this blog is for; it offers you access to a community of others who are working at managing their sobriety, time to reflect on your own recovery, and share your story with others who can truly relate. Keeping a recovery community requires you to nurture your relationships and surround yourself with positive people. Because addicts and alcoholics are often prone to withdrawing themselves, keeping in touch with your recovery community is one of the most important things you can do to combat isolation and relapse. By engaging your community regularly and maintaining a close connection to people who have a genuine interest in helping you with your recovery, you give yourself the best possible opportunity to stay clean and sober whatever life throws at you.

 

_ I have been really grappling with the fear of change lately, not sure why as in the grand scheme I have done fairly well on that front. Which is to say when a time of great change has happened in my life - knock on wood - I have always come away the better for it one way or another. Typically when the dull ache of anxiety sets in it is because I have momentarily misplaced my faith in the negative words of others or substituted their experiences for my own and forgotten that I am on my own journey. I alone manage my life, make my own choices and will experience my own destiny. Fear has a strange way of making you think that all manner of dark things are real, yet as Wayne Dyer observes, “The components of anxiety, stress, fear, and anger do not exist independently of you in the world. They simply do not exist in the physical world, even though we talk about them as if they do.”

Relapse is a genuine concern for those in recovery, but do you live in a state of fearful anticipation because of it? Are you always fixating on the “what if” or the “unless”, “until”, and “when”? Is this really living or is this allowing fear to be your guide?

Do you truly believe that life can be what you want it to be? Why is it so hard to be positive? Living in a culture of fear is a difficult thing and with the advent of technology it spreads faster then ever. But what if you could change the way you think? Can we really become masters of our own fate?

Many in recovery are faced with these thoughts and the deeper questions of the spirit. There are no easy answers; science and religion will never really answer the truly important questions in your life only you can. Though fear has the power to hold you back it also has the power to propel you forward. Your addictions are the framework for your life in many respects; learning to overcome them may be the catalyst to something far greater than you could possibly imagine. By leaving those behaviors behind you are free to reinvent yourself however you see fit, you may be surprised who you become. Who knows maybe living a purposeful life on your own terms may lead to you becoming a rock star, the next greatest chef, a best selling author, or simply a happy more productive you.

In the end dealing with fear is like many things in life, it is all in how you choose to view it. The important thing to remember is that you can choose. Choose to be happy and content right now and focus on what you most want out of life. All though there are all manner of negative things that could happen there are an equal of number of positive things that will happen living a clean and sober life. As you move forward in pursuit of your life you will gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... we all must find the courage to do the very thing which we think we cannot. The only thing to fear…

_“We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge.” – Sheldon Kopp author of If You Meet the Buddha on the Road Kill Him

For many in recovery they feel that the objective is to gain and maintain control over their addictions and their lives. Actually the real objective may be better thought of as management, you need to manage your relationship to the things in your life both positive and negative. The difficulty of course here, as Kopp highlights, is you have to do this even when you don’t feel empowered or adequately informed all the while maintain the belief that it will all turn out OK. I have come to believe this is the essence of faith.

Overcoming addictions can be a long and bumpy road. At times, you may even feel that it will be impossible. But it’s not. If you’re ready to end your self abusive addictive habits and willing to get the support you need, you can recover from abuse—no matter how bad the addiction or how powerless you feel. You don’t have to wait until you hit rock bottom; you can make a change at any time. The question is are you willing to put your faith in yourself and those willing to help you?

You can’t do it alone you need a community that truly has your best interest at heart, and if you have been brought to this blog then you are surely ready to begin to take your life back and begin living the life you deserve! You see, many look to the outside world to tell us how to live, or what to do, or what to say, how to feel, etc. The truth is no one but you can live your life, you and you alone are responsible for making your life what it is.

Taking the first steps toward recovery is not about blind faith, believing in a well crafted marketing pitch touting “the latest greatest recovery treatment”, or the result of listening to the words of some so called expert who more often than not is simply eloquently stating the obvious, its about accepting you are powerless over your addiction - that your life has become unmanageable. It’s about taking responsibility for your life, and taking that first step toward recovery.

Recovery is a gradual process. In the early stages of change, denial is a huge obstacle. Even after admitting to yourself you have a problem, you may make excuses and drag your feet. It’s important to acknowledge your ambivalence about your addictions, and continue on despite how you are feeling in the moment. This is why having the support of others in recovery is so important. When you feel moments of powerlessness you can hold onto others who are walking a similar path to your own. Many will try to persuade you to have faith in all manner of devices and treatment options, and although those may help, the only thing you really need to have is faith in is yourself.