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Changeling

5/14/2013

3 Comments

 
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In general change is often difficult and challenging for all of us, even more so for those grappling with the complex issues of recovery. So many layers of experience have made you who you are today, that it may seem overwhelming to try to separate the facts from fictions to see what were the choices you made versus what your addictions made for you. To add to this, early on you likely will experience a lot of residual unresolved feelings and be tempted to engage in old behaviors as you begin to free yourself from your addictions and begin to transform your life.

As both a professional recovery manager and manager working with addicts for over 20 years now, I frequently see how those early in their recovery have the tendency to glorify their behaviors. Many new to the transformative process will smile with pride at recounting their sorted exploits as the elegantly wasted. One client I have recently begun treating for sexual addiction still identifies herself fondly with the behaviors of her former exploitive sexual self. When presented with the logic of what it is she was doing, being manipulative with her sexuality and acting irresponsibly, she immediately grasped the idea on a rational level. However at the same time she confessed despite that and her progress in treatment she was still baffled, and a little ashamed; to acknowledge that her feelings and some of her current behaviors still followed a pattern she knew to be unhealthy.

In another example, a client who was battling an addiction to cocaine had been made aware of the hurt he had caused his children, and how detrimental his behavior had become to their long-term mental health, pleaded with me to fix him. He clenched his teeth in anguish as he said,  “ I can not bear the idea of hurting my children”. Though he acknowledged the gravity of his actions it wasn’t enough to prevent him from longing for the next fix, and occasionally (or so he said) didn’t prevent him from a “little taste” now and then.

Clearly knowing is not enough. Try as they might, those battling addiction must accept that there’s no short cut in the process, you have to work through the feelings that fueled the behaviors. Part of the process involves being honest, perhaps for first time in your life, with those feelings surrounding your desire to “act badly” or contrary to what you know you should be doing. When you do this, you begin to weaken the power those feelings have over you and your impulse towards behaviors that are destructive.

As a recovery management professional I know that many of those thoughts and feelings are a source of shame for my clients. That’s why it’s so important that you have a healthy support system around you and your recovery. Our goal here is to make you feel safe in sharing those feelings and thoughts that would normally cause you to feel shame. It’s immensely useful to be able to share the dark side of oneself with others who don’t respond with judgment or ridicule. Only by risking exposing whom you truly are, first and foremost to yourself and then to others, can you hope to reclaim your life.


3 Comments
Mom on the edge
6/4/2013 11:17:38 pm

Dear Ms. Kaplin: I read your article just now and I am worried my son is sexually compulsive and addicted. He seems so consumed by pornography, how can I approach him about this? Are their signs I should look for? Is this just normal behavior for a 21 year old college student? Please advise as I am worried for my son...

Sincerely- Mom on the edge

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esther kaplin link
6/24/2013 09:19:59 am

Dear Mom on the edge. Please accept my apology for taking so long in responding. The answer to your question is not black or white. Any behavior that interferes with normal daily activity can be an issue. The viewing of pornography has become an increasingly difficult issue to address. It is hard to understand addiction without any substance involved. Neuroscience has showed there are similar reactions within the brain without substances present. Add to that the very addictive nature of the readily available pornography on line, any individual can become addicted, overly involved and or memorized by the images they see. Can you be more specific, for example, how do you know how much pornography he is viewing, have you checked his computer ? Is he at his computer for long periods of time, does he go without sleep, how are his daily living habits, do you see a change in his behavior? Again, I will respond in a much more timely fashion. After you give this some thoughts let me know what you observe.

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Mom on the edge
7/15/2013 05:05:20 am

Ms. Kaplin thank you for your response. My son openly talks about his fascination with pornography, and though I can't be sure what he does at school I do know he seems to be at his computer long into the night, and when I express my concern for his habits he dismisses them as "normal behavior" Also since he is an adult, I am unsure how much to push the issue, I am just worried that his "fascination" is unhealthy. Though it doesn't prevent him from going to school, holding down a part time job, and dating he just seems so obsessed with it, am I just being a paranoid mom?

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    This blog is maintained by Esther Kaplin. Unless otherwise attributed, all material has been written by Esther Kaplin. The material herein is copyrighted material and may not be copied or used without explicit written permission.

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